Write the Letter. Even if it breaks your heart.

When someone passes away it's hard not to think about all the things we didn't say. The things I left unsaid were all for my own protection, and now I have regrets.

Yesterday marked one day since my step dad suddenly passed away, and last night as I let it all sink in, I had a million thoughts running through my mind.

Is this getting easier?

This was the third and final dad I’ve lost in my life. No one else could possible step in and raise me at this point, and part of me feels relieved in knowing that. You see, my last step dad, Randy, was struggling with alcoholism for years. The same disease that took my biological dad.

For anyone who has loved someone with an addiction you know it’s real…not fun.

You care about them, but struggle to watch them drown themselves.

You love the moments where you have fun when they’re sober, and lose hope when they’re not.

Mostly, it feels as though the disease has a bigger hold on them than you do.

As much as we all want to save those we care about, the harsh truth that life has showed me is that we can’t. They have to want to save themselves.

I guess what I’m getting at is that there is peace in no longer having to watch a dad suffer, or wait for them fade away. It’s painful, tiring, and I’m glad to be done with it.

So, last night, as I sat in a steamy, hot shower, I wondered to myself if this whole losing a parent thing was getting easier. Maybe it’s just losing people in general…does that get easier as we get older?

I’m not sure. Maybe it doesn’t get easier, we just get more accepting.

I think the unexpected is worse…

I am fortunate/unfortunate in my life to know many people who lost parents at a young age. Two particular people I went to high school with lost parents in the last two years of high school and I lost my dad just one year after.

In fact, those two people lost both parents before we made it out of our 20’s and because of this a great debate has been afoot.

Is it harder to slowly watch a parent die, or harder to suddenly lose them?

Personally, I decided the sudden loss is worse.

Why?

Because it leaves things unsaid.

Which brings me to my main topic of discussion today. Write the letter.