My Accidental 30 Day Vow of Silence

I've changed a lot in the last 30 days...and I've also seemingly stopped speaking. It's been amazing.

For those of you who don’t know, my life changed a month ago.

On a trip up to Michigan to visit my sick 96 year old grandma, my mom called to let me know she needed to speak with me when I arrived. I had one hour left on the road and it felt like torture.

All the scenarios ran through my mind:

Was my mom sick?

Was it grandma?

What about Randy, my step dad? No. He called me an hour before my mom did.

Something must really be up.

Somewhere along the road, surrounded by tall pine trees, my puppy in the passenger seat, I made peace with the fact that my grandma passed and I missed my chance to say goodbye.

A calm slowly came over me and I soothed myself into the somber remainder of my drive.

I pulled into my grandma’s driveway. There were two extra cars there, one of them my aunts. ::Sigh:: Okay. This is it, it’s going to be ok.

After getting Aurora (my 2 month old puppy) settled outside in the gated back yard with a snack, I took two steps toward my grandma’s back door when my mom quickly came outside to meet me.

Like I know so well, I toughened up my spine, allowed my metaphorical suit of armor to chink into place, and turned to allow her to give me the news.

I was out to eat…

My doctor appointment your know…

We just sat down…

The phone rang…

“Mom.” (Insert finger motion that means move it along.)

She stopped. Her eyes met mine and then she said, "Randy died.”

“What the f*ck,” I instinctively said as I hugged her and cried, trying to make it all make sense, “But…he called me…”

“He did? He didn’t know you were even coming. When did he call?”

“2:45.”

“That’s when they say it happened…”