How I Stopped Pleasing My Husband.

One day I decided to stop trying to make him happy. I focused on me instead, and what I found out was that I didn't know who I was at all.

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Have you ever had one of those moments of total clarity, realizing you’ve already done all you could? The problems in your life are metaphorically flat lining, and instead of giving it one more chest compression, you pull down your sleeves, make note of the time, and holler out to the universe, “Call it!"

That’s how it felt for me; a perfectly groomed, size zero, mother of two with abs, in a perfectly tidied home, standing on the stairs next to the photography studio I operated my business out of. There was nothing else I could do. “Call it!”

Since we had moved into our dream house, I had decided to work overtime to ensure that Tom was content. He had been nervous to stretch our budget to accommodate a bigger mortgage, so I took it upon myself to lighten his worries whenever possible.

I began working longer hours on top of taking care of the kids. Most nights I was up editing photos until midnight only to wake up again with the kids bright and early.

Every day, after a Mommy and Me class which alternated every day for each of our youngest two, I made sure to head to the gym. For the first time in my life, I had managed to fit into a size 0 pant, and thanks to pilates, I had abs for the first time in my life.

On days when we didn’t have Mommy and Me classes, I would make the twenty minute drive to hit up Costco, Trader Joe’s, and Whole Foods all with a three and four year old in tow. Sure, it was a little exhausting, but I had a system down like clock work.

Besides, I only wanted the best, healthiest, organic ingredients for our family, and found that making a triple shopping trip once a week was the best plan of action.

Every meal was prepared fresh for my kids, although dinner sometimes yielded leftovers. Of course, I worked to make sure each meal was tasty while also containing plenty of vegetables!

On this particular day, the kids and I had eaten dinner without Tom, (another late day at work), and the dishes were being done by our teenage daughter, Destiny. That was always the one thing I felt like I could breathe knowing wasn’t on my to-do list for the day. I was so thankful for her, even though I barely saw her these days now that she’d officially hit the teen years.

With a smile plastered across my face, I stood at the bottom of our staircase, greeting Tom as he arrived home from work. Almost immediately, he met me with frustration and anger toward who knows what. A dog’s wet footprint, a slightly different sound coming from the furnace, a bad day with the boss. There was really no shortage of things that could set him off these days. In fact, it started to feel like he was looking for reasons to be discontent. As if he needed somewhere to direct his anger.

There were, of course, days where he would come home and be his old, happy self. Those were the moments I felt like I had won. As if I had managed to do everything correctly. Days when Tom was in a good mood, I not only felt like I had permission to be in a good mood as well, I felt like I could allow myself to breathe. Something I rarely did now that my abs were so tight. (You’ve gotta always keep them clenched if you want them to stick around, ya know.)

Like clockwork, Tom stormed off into some other area of the house, barely greeting me as he did. An entire day of aiming for perfection down the drain. Although, I don’t know why I was surprised. This is how it had been ever since we moved into the big house, our dream house. The house where we were supposed to be our happiest.

Let me tell you, it’s a sombering realization knowing that there is nothing else you can do. Truly, nothing.

In this moment, I made an internal and life changing decision. No, I didn’t give myself the same internal pep talk, and continue on trying to make the rest of the evening as smooth as possible in an attempt to recover. What was the point of that anymore?

Instead, I made a vow that things would be different from that moment on. How would they be different? I was no longer going to give a shit.